Wednesday, May 16, 2007

My Loaves and Fishes God

I'm in a tizzy tonight. Once again, time has gotten away from me somehow and I haven't worked on my novel. I've been going constantly since I left for work this morning, but here it is almost bedtime and I haven't gotten to the writing. I wish I were one of those high energy people who could stay up half the night and write, then pop back up for work the next morning, but I'm not. I've always needed my sleep. Even back in college, I never could pull those all-nighters.

So tonight I'm trying to remind myself of a lesson God taught me a couple of years ago, when I went back to school after many, many years. I was terrified when I started. I had never tried to work full time and take classes before. I seemed to be exhausted all the time as it was. A number of my colleagues were also working on degrees (I was working at a college, after all), and they scared me to death. They were skipping time with spouses and children. They went without sleep. One co-worker told me she generally started her schoolwork after her husband and child went to bed, worked until two or three a.m., then got back up around six.

I knew I absolutely could not do this. I refused to neglect my family for schoolwork, but I knew I didn't have the energy for the grueling pace my friends were keeping. I feared that, if I could do the degree at all, I would be ready for retirement by the time I finished. I planned to attempt finishing in three to four years, but I didn't know if that would be possible.

At times, the pace did get grueling. I often thought, I just can't do this. I don't have enough time. I don't have enough energy. I don't have the drive.

Somewhere along in there, the story of Jesus multiplying the five loaves and two fishes to feed thousands of people (Matthew 14) started popping up everywhere. It showed up in a couple of daily devotions, the preacher preached on it, I heard it on the radio. Do you ever have that happen? You know God is trying to get something through to you because he drums it into your head over and over.

I wondered what God was getting at. I began to meditate on that story, and I realized it was about Jesus taking something that was not enough, and turning it into plenty. I knew he was trying to tell me that if he could do that with bread and fish, he could do that with anything. With my time. With my energy.

When my energy would lag, when I would start to panic that I couldn't do it, I would pray, "Lord, you are my loaves and fishes God. Multiply me. Make me enough for what you want me to do."

And he did just that. I look back and I can't even tell you exactly how it all worked out. But I never stayed up all night. I spent time with my family and friends. And I finished that degree in two years and two months!

Now here I am, panicking once again that I'm not enough. I don't have the time or energy to write another book. I feel so lazy compared to other writing acquaintances who whip those novels out one after another.

So Lord, I'm just praying to you right now. If you want me to do this, multiply me like the loaves and fishes. Make me enough.